caminus_malus

In the Steel

2007-11-01T11:37:57Z

Endless cardboard mountain.

Pallet jack race.

Top shelf acrobatics.

Deodorant break down.

Surplus box puzzle.

Too much Christmas.

Sweaty, sore, psyched.

In the Steel.

Winter is Here

2007-10-31T12:50:04Z

Morning grass frost.

Split lower lip.

Visible car exhaust.

1 shirt, 2 shirt, hoodie.

Winter is here.

The Suck

2007-10-31T01:58:58Z

So here's the rundown on my life as of late. At work we shifted over to a third shift instead of a morning shift in accordance with the influx of Christmas stock that will be coming. Originally I thought I would like third shift but in the end it somehow leaves me with less free time to enjoy my day. I'm either sleeping off a shitty day at work or in the midst of one. In addition, my parents decided that they should contract out a tree removal company to cut down 14 or so ugly trees around the house. But for whatever reason it's going to take two weeks to complete and they have to do it at 9 in the morning. Which, for those who have never worked third shift, is about an hour after I get home from work. Somehow I manage to drop off to sleep a little bit after they get done but even then my rest is disturbed by horrid nightmares. The most recent one involved me eternally filling the same stock box over and over and over because it continuously emptied itself. I think I have had this dream on more than one occasion now. It's recurrent. Then the other morning I had some dream from which I woke weeping harder than I have in a long time. I don't even recall what the dream was about. It involved my grandfather somehow. So basically I'm falling apart. My body hurts too much to go to the gym. I sleep away any time I would have to enjoy something outside of work. The sleep I do get is mostly lucid and unsatisfactory. Welcome to the suck. I could say that at least I have Samantha to support me but she's hundreds of miles away and too busy with her own troubles to worry about mine. I got real excited this evening when she actually called me but as usual it was only to drop her worries on me. The last two times she's bothered to call it was because she was dealing with some kind of issue in her life and needed me to sit and listen. Not because she wanted to talk just to talk. Sometimes I feel like I'm just there to tell her it's ok and that things will work out. Needless to say I didn't feel talkative after the first few words out of her mouth involved something going wrong and not "hey I missed you, how are you?" or something to that extent. I don't know. Most evenings now I get up and wish that I hadn't because I know I have to go face life . Some evenings I wake up and wish I wouldn't wake up again. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

It Lives Again...

2007-10-22T21:14:28Z

The hawk has awoken from its restless slumber. It lay there smoldering and sullen, like an unwanted child beneath the copious and unnecessary folic growth waiting....biding its time. But yesterday it revealed itself once more in all of its glory.

So yeah, the mohawk is back. I missed it. I haven't felt the same without it. Like I was living in some other guys' skin. Strangely enough people just know when you have a hawk. At work, every one asked if I had a haircut even though I was wearing my hat. To this I replied, "Yeah I shaved it into a mohawk." The best part of the day was when the other resident punker of Target, a cute, blue-violet haired girl, came running up ( I've said 5 words to this girl before now) and exclaimed "DID YOU GET A MOHAWK!" To which I replied "Hell yeah" and whipped off my hat with a flourish. This was someone who could spot a mohawk even under a hat. She revealed to me that she was gonna get one next month too. I'm not sure why it was going to take a whole month. Maybe her mohawk license needed to come in. Some people can't just rock a hawk whenever they want. Sometimes you need special permission from the Dept. of Badassery. Which, as you may well know, also contains the Ministry of Metal and Punk Coalition. That could take a month to deliver I suppose what with all the black tape (its black in the DoB}. But at least now Ill have a mohawk buddy. Hurray.

Getting the actual haircut was tricky. I had to find the natural parts in my hair and then partition of all the hair i wanted to keep with rubberbands. Then I had to work my carefully around those lines and not cut off too much and then just kinda feel it out for the back. Overall, it came out great. I nicked myself in one spot but it was with the scissors and not the shaver. It would have been easier if someone had done it for me but it was kind of exciting just doing it on my own. Anywho, that's about the whole story and now it's time to go lift and get ripped. Till next time.

Been Awhile.....

2007-10-09T22:26:21Z

Well, I never used to post very often but I think I might give it a more concentrated effort. I have very little taking up my time now and I feel that this ever increasing discomfort with my current situation is impetus enough to really let the words flow. Now, please don't confuse discomfort with sadness or anger or any other negative emotion. I mean discomfort in the way that an orca at Sea World might experience. A discomfort stemming from the fact that I remember a time when I had more freedom to be my true self. Whales taken into captivity from the wild still remember the ocean and in much the same way I recall when I had more leg room so to speak. My enclosure was not so confining. It's a sense of restlessness. Not of wanderlust mind you. I'm not a very adventurous person by any means. No, this comes from knowing that I could be living with Sam and being true to myself. I feel everyday that I have to reign in what I enjoy. I can't wear my spiked bracelets or get more piercings or shave my head back into a mohawk. I suppose I could but it would bring my parents unhappiness and I value their comfort over my own since they have seen fit to let me live in their home without charge. It's a small price for their generosity but it grates on me ever more and more.

Now that school is over my days become continually more tedious. A few weeks ago I managed to get a job at Target. It's not a bad job and something that could hold me over for awhile. I think I'm getting better at it but I can't really tell for sure. I work in the back room pulling product for the stockers to push out to the floor and later in the day I backstock the product that returns to us. Not too difficult. Right now the supervisor directly above me, a large dreadlocked black dude name Big Ed, is really pushing us to increase our speed exponentially. I'm not really sure how to do that except to bust my ass and race around like a madman. Currently, I pull at a consistent pace and I don't think I have anything to worry about but we were all warned that if some of us can't speed up then we'll be switched over to the stocking team and then fired if that doesn't work out. Neither of those options sound particularly acceptable to me so I'm gonna go in tomorrow and shift into top gear. Just gotta keep at it and not let myself get too comfortable.

Unfortunately, work really dampens ones creative drive. I have moments where I really want to draw, but by the time I get to my desk I lose my inertia. 9-10 hours running around, climbing ladders, lifting heavy crap, etc. just defeats the artistic soul. At least for me it does. Im sure there are people better than I who never run out of creative steam but I think I've hit a wall. I'm sure it will return to me eventually as I adjust more and more to work but I miss it. Big Ed is an artist in a musical fashion. R&B and rap mostly. But the way he describes his work and the level of passion he shows gives me hope. He told me today about how he was going to go to bed and then kept getting up to write more and more lines to a song and eventually banged out an entire track in one night. He forsook sleep to do it but I know exactly where he's coming from and if he can get to that point then I can return to it too. Just more adjustment. Anyways, that's all for now. I'll write more when I feel the urge.

Organization and the Quelled Wrath

2007-02-22T02:11:21Z

Well, I think the thoughts and feelings that ignited my anger yesterday are starting to diminish. It's honestly really hard to tell with me and the fact that I sit alone in my studio all day is a driving factor. I could be completely at peace with something one minute but given 3 hours of dwelling and pondering I might be back to square one. Sometimes I wish that I weren't so introspective and I could just shut out my thoughts. I really am my own worst enemy. I guess that for now I'm going to strive to let the matter go and just move on with life. I know now that I'm the only one that it's bothering. Time to do what I always do and store it away, pretend everything is fine and move on. I wouldn't want anyone to think I possessed more than one dimension. Who knows what might happen if people thought there was more to me than humor and endless wisecracks. But I digress. Besides, I have too much art to produce to be moping and raging about in my studio. The studio hasn't seen a single bit of real illustration emerge from my fingers all semester and that is a sad truth. If I were a better student I might have had multiple finished pieces by this point but that's not the case. On the upside of things, I did sit down and do some serious organization and planning. I now have sheets with lists of numerated items that I have to complete. I also have a couple workcharts which further break down the previous sheets into manageable sections. Essentially I figured out how many pieces I would do per major section. Then I broke those down into further subsections and listed how many pieces would fit under these categories. From there I put work divisions: Pencils, Inks, Values, and Color. Each of these has a small area to check next to it when completed. Overall Ive managed to break the entire process of my Senior Thesis into single steps. This way I can tell where I am and what I need to accomplish at a glance. It will also keep me honest and not let me slack off. It's difficult not to look at sheets directly behind your computer monitor. Now if I can just get this Anthro paper out of the way then I can get to work tomorrow and really crank out some work. I plan on getting 3-4 more pencil drawings out of the way by next week. It won't be fun but I want to get a jump on it.

Rough Day

2007-02-21T07:23:07Z

The subject of the entry just about sums it up. It started off alright. At least I didn't begin my day with the resounding thud of my skull against a metal door frame. That happened yesterday and I really hope I can begin every day that way. Everything was cool and then I don't know what happened. It must have been stress coupled with me not sleeping very well as of late. Then of course there's that wonderful phenomenon where someone can say something seemingly innocuous but then the nuances of it start hammering at your mind. It creeps in and expands, growing larger and larger, filling you thoughts. It might have been completely innocent but soon enough it becomes a monster, a ceaseless thought demon. It tears at you until you're nothing but an emotional illogical wreck. I can only assume that's what happened. If the trigger had been something saddening I probably would have wept. Instead whatever it was opened the floodgates to 20 plus years of repressed anger and frustration. If anyone had said something negative to me earlier today I probably would have been in jail. Thankfully I managed to storm off to the studio. By the time I got there I had cooled down slightly but then it started whispering in the back of my head. For a full 15 minutes I punched every available surface. I threw chairs and stools at the floor and walls. I smashed a mirror with a tape dispenser. I'm sure I must have sounded like a lunatic. Finally I stopped and the cruel part of me smiled, it likes when I give in. I take a great deal of pride in mastering my emotions but today for the first time in a long time I just lost it. Eventually I realized that I was going to wreck the studio if I didnt leave, such was the breadth of my fury this evening. Trying my level best to keep control, I grabbed my mp3 player and my energy drink and headed for Chad's smoking bench. It was there that I sat for a good 20 minutes or more. Not thinking, just breathing heavily and siphoning liquid fuel in an attempt to force myself back into some semblance of the person I know that I am. I think in that moment, as I listened to the new Dir en grey album, I could almost grasp the emotions behind Kyo's manic vocals. I could feel the fury and the sense of helplessness intermingled. I was never locked in the attic as a child and so I cant claim to understand him completely but I could remember younger days when I was powerless, preyed upon, too weak to stand up for myself. That same emotion, a longing to be in control but so angry that it was out of reach. Finally I got to a point where I could once again see straight. I had banished ideas of smoking whole packs of cigarettes and burning crude words into my skin. J and girl Erin were upstairs and they had been in the hall during my moment of weakness. No one is perfect and she has her faults but J is right there making sure that I'm ok especially when I need it most. Somehow she removed what little fight I had left in me at the time. But I dread the days to come. The anger is still there lingering as it always does. I cant let anything go in a single day. I dont want to be violent. I dont want to feel helpless. I dont want to be so upset that I cant even do the things I enjoy like drawing and painting. I just want things to be ok. I thought I was strong..an adult...a man. In the end I was just kidding myself. Im still that scared child that I locked away in disgust. Hes always there knocking at the back of my reality and threatening to tear down my cleverly crafted facades. I thought that when I managed to scrape together confidence and self esteem over the last 4 years that I had escaped my past. I thought I had escaped the time when I had neither, frightened of the world and everyone out to get me. I still have a long way to go it seems and after the blow my ego took, it looks like Ill be picking up the shards of my self confidence and starting from scratch. Maybe Im making a bigger deal of this than necessary. Is my self worth really so fragile? I really dont know. But right now I feel hollow.

A Legion of QnA...not nearly as good as TnA

2007-02-19T07:20:21Z

Ok, so koshii unleashed this monstrous thing upon the net.....well she continued the madness by answering all of these bastards. So, not to be outdone by someone so short, I too must answer this mammoth list.

1. PICK OUT A SCAR YOU HAVE, AND EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT IT?
Nothing very noticeable unfortunately. But I do have a a small, pink scar from where I put out a match on the top of my hand.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Nothing, I live in a dorm for most of the year. However, in my bedroom at home I have a tiki mask made of wire with a nuclear symbol in its forehead. I made it freshmen year in my 3D design class. I still like it.....looks cool with light underneath it because of the shadows it casts.

3. WHAT DOES YOUR PHONE LOOK LIKE?
Its a Verizon LG. Its got blue and back stripes on the cover.

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Punk, Hardcore, Metal, and Metalcore. On occasion I listen to some Ambient techno....helps me to relax and formulate my ideas when the power chords and bestial sreams are breaking my concentration.

5. WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE?
It's a badass image produced by this concept artist James Kei. Heres the link to the pic.
http://www.conceptart.org/forums/showthread.php?t=90118

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
To be headlong into my Senior Thesis project, instead of dabbling along the edge of artistic pool and wishing that I could just go ahead and immerse myself in the work. Its a frightening thought....it takes over the entirety of my life and I become an insomniac.

7. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GAY MARRIAGE?
Hmmm, well I believe everyone has the right to be happy in life. So as along as that happiness doesnt negatively affect those around you then go ahead. Now, homosexuality in a biological sense I dont understand. Gay couples dont produce offspring and their attraction to the same sex connotes some kind of mental anomaly. From an evolutionary standpoint homosexuality should have been removed from the gene pool long ago. Its an interesting phenomenon really. However, homosexual men and women are people like everyone else and should be able to enjoy life with whom ever they see fit.

8. WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN?
Im not sure. I imagine I was told at some point but my origins have never interested me. Im concerned with the here and now, not the first seconds of my infancy.

9. ARE YOUR PARENTS STILL TOGETHER?
Yes. And I thank whoever is responsible for such a thing. Without the stability I found at home during my childhood I probably would have become a much different person....someone unpleasant. Sometimes I see the darkness in myself and I know that if it werent tempered and held in control by the mental foundations set down by my upbringing that it would have consumed me long ago.

10. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
The gentle hum of my good friend the computer, the soft creaking of my leather jacket, and the clatter of ice in my soda.

11. DO YOU GET SCARED OF THE DARK?
Yes, my mind is and always has been very vivid. I still have flashes of hellish creatures stalking through my mind when I have to walk through the dark. It leaves me panicked and I wonder if I did turn around to find one of these imaginary demons what I would do.

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
My grandfather. He passed away a few months after my grandmother and Whizzer my Boston Terrier. A week before his passing, my dog Annie, who had been our families constant companion for 13 years, also died. They call my period in life the "death age" and I just wish that I hadnt had to experience by first taste of death in suffocating draughts instead of manageable sips.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Polo Blue...aka the Panty Dropper. I didnt come up with this nomenclature. That was Andy my old roomy who was really one of the best roomates Ive ever had. I will say that my friend Joey's cologne smelled awesome. I think it was Calvin Klein Double Black and I want some.

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Green eyes. Raven hair.

15. DO YOU LIKE PAINKILLERS?
I dont know I only get them at the dentist. I do like Nyquil though. That stuff is 180 proof and its spectacular for when you cant sleep.

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
Coffee, energy drinks, soda.....really anything with alot of caffeine to feed my habit. I get withdrawal migraines without it.

17. FAVE PIZZA TOPPING?
Pepperoni, bacon, sausage....really anything that comes off that pink, round animal.

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Mmm, Id have to say either Yankiniku beef from Makoto's in NC or General Tso's chicken from Dragon Den in Gville SC.

19. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
Samantha, my gf. But were together alot and we get on each others nerves at times.

20. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Some Spanish and a very little German. Koshii is teaching me Japanese in tiny bits and pieces, although I dont think she realizes it. Its a very difficult language with many small nuances within the pronunciations. I find it rewarding though when I can pronounce a word somewhat decently.

21. WHAT WAS THE LAST GIFT SOMEONE GAVE YOU?
A Misfits shirt and a M16 bullet belt. My girlfriend is the best gift giver. Well so is koshii...somehow she knew that I wanted a bullet belt when I hadnt even mentioned it. So now I have two bullet belts, one in brass and one in nickel.

22. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?
Myself......man that guy is the coolest.

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
No, I dont think so. Although I can do this weird thing with my toes, so maybe they are.

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Whichever on happens to make something that I think looks badass. The criteria for badassery generally include black, skulls, and metal studs and/or spikes.

25. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR?
Damn, a hard one. If I had a choice though Id go with a black Corvette Stringray. Although Id really like a chopper. I would give just about anything to have the Ghostrider movie bike. Shit that thing almost made me cream my jeans.

26. DO YOU BELIVE IN AFTER-LIFE?
Not sure. Im in a kind of metahphysical belief limbo. Im just hovering around without any real belief system to call my own. I find that I dont really care and that I dont need them.

27. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MARRIAGE?
I think its antiquated in many ways. My cousin and his girlfriend have been living together for years and years and are just now getting married. However in my mind and Im sure in their minds theyve considered themselves "married" for quite some time. Marriage is just another piece of paper with an overly emphasized ceremony.

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
I dont know what love is or if it even exists. It might just be chemical reactions in our minds. I also think that the idea of love could happen many times with many different people. Its ludicrous to think that in a world of billions of people that you could only be happy with just one person.

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
Tell them. Please just fucking tell them. Flat out right to their face. Honesty is dying in this world and all people really want is a truthful answer.

30. Say a number from 1-100.
A number from 1-100.

31. BLONDE OR BRUNETTE?
Brunette. Preferably black hair. It makes my loins quiver.

32. WHAT IS THE ONE PHONE NUMBER SHOWS UP ON YOUR PHONE THE MOST?
Either koshii's or my girlfriend's.

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Idiocy and complacently ignorant people. Also when there isnt a plan and people just leave you hanging.

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE U.S.?
Nope, but I sure would like to.

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
My sympathy for people. I cant help it but I need to make people feel better.

36. WHAT WAS THE LAST GIFT YOU GAVE?
A stud belt, a skull wallet, and V for Vendetta.

37. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY?
Christmas....I love the feeling of it not necessarily the commercialism.

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Not that I can recall. Always seemed lame and I can think up much better pranks.

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE THIS?
Went to see Ghostrider and then ate some icecream at Coldstone.

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I dont know if I would. Ive come to accept myself and doing that would be regressing to a much sadder person. I might shorten my nose though. I think it compliments my face but its a little too long.

41. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN IN LOVE?
Im not sure if I ever have. I keep thinking that perhaps I am but then I wonder if I only think that because I havent actually found love yet. Its a mystery to me. I know I love my girlfriend though but is it that eternal pure love...I dont know.

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
That Im humorous. I do seem to have a knack for making witty comments.

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
Id be upset on occasion that I couldnt have a beer to calm down. But Ive got genetic tendencies towards alcoholism so I stay away from heavy drinking anyways.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
A job in a new state. That would be the best gift of all.

45. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Not that I can think of. Besides Im not really Phillip anymore. Im Pip. Not the manliest of names but it suits me for some reason.

46. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
Well unless those gaseous space furnaces can grant a wish then no. I rarely wish, i just plan out ways to get what I want.

47. WTF?
Witch Tastes Farts

48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
The middle one. It says fuck you and mine is especially thin and spindly so it really says fuck you.

49. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
At my grandfathers funeral. The Airforce color guard were playing taps on the trumpet. I wept unashamedly as I said my final farewell to a great man.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Its alright. Its very small and neat when I want it to be.

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE VEGETABLE?
Fried okra. Delicious.

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
Staying up late when I dont have to. I always regret it the next day.

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
I dont keep cd's. Theyre antiquated.

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I hope so. Most people think Im pretty decent once they talk to me for a bit.

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
Nope secrets are safe with me.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Yes anyone who tells you different is a liar or ugly.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER?
Release my anger? I thought I was supposed to compress it into an evergrowing ball of spite and malice.

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
Here at school.

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
No, I dont ever really trust anyone. I just give the appearance that I do so that theyll trust me.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?
Probably a pencil and sketchbook paper.

61. ARE YOU AFRAID OF GROWING UP?
Yes, very afraid. The unknown is uncontrollable and horrifying to me.

62. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
I use sarcasm the same way a surgeon uses a scalpel. Hmm apparently alliteration is a strength too.

63. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS?
No but I do think about philosophical matters alot.

64. DOES 11:11 MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
Its one of those times that people say you should make a wish. People are idiots.

66. DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?
Yes. We differ on clothing, tattoos, and piercings but other than we enjoy each other.

67. WHAT IS THE MOST PAIN YOU HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED?
The humiliation of being physically unable to do something I had wanted to do for quite awhile. Ive never been more ashamed.

68. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I untie them, then unwrap the laces from my ankles, and then loosen the laces. Combat boots are sturdy but hard to get off.

69. LAST THING YOU SPILLED?
My seed, all over my stomach and chest.

70. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?
Toby, my boston terrier. Hes a spaz but I love him.

71. WHAT IS THE LAST FURRY THING YOU TOUCHED?
My girlfriends roomate's cat.

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS?
Black..

73. WHAT'S THE LAST BOOK YOU READ?
I forget. Some fantasy medieval book about a priest who could curse someone to death.

74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
Im not sure. Ive had quite a few teeth removal surgeries so they may have snatched them out and never told me.

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Hell no. Most people are so dull that theyd give boring answers.

76. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM VACATION?
Right now, just being out of school permanently. Later maybe a trip to New Zealand.

77. LAST THING YOU ATE/DRANK?
Tacos and Baja Blast

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Koshii saying "Ok well were watching the Descent".

79. WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Face but sometimes the tits or ass.

80. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
Not sure.

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
Indecision

82. FAVORITE DRINK?
Corona with lime or Screwdriver

83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN?
I dont know anything about the zodiac because I dont believe it actually has anything to do with reality.

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
69 racing.....i think its a sport.

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Black now but usually dark brown.

86. EYE COLOR?
Blue.

87. TALL OR SHORT?
Short for a man. But not strangely so.

88. SIBLINGS?
Two younger sisters. I love those girls. Tara is probably one of my best friends and Katie says something nearly every day that makes me proud as a brother.

89. FAVORITE MONTH?
October. Its not cold yet but the air is crisp. And of course Halloween.

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
Not particularly. I have a thing about textures and sushi has an unpleasant texture to me.

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
MST3K. That show is a riot.

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Whichever one Ive had the most fun during.

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
I used to be and it would still be hard for me but Im a changed person from back then.

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Fall

97. WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS
People with alot of time on their hands.

98. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
People who have a short attention span.

99. IS ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
My girlfriend and I think thats it. Although I never know. Someone might be harboring hidden love for me and just doesnt have the guts to tell me.

100. BIGGEST FEAR(S)?
Not making it as an artist, being unable to "get it up", and werewolves

Damn that was alot. My hands are killing me.

caminus_malus @ 2007-02-15T19:45:00

2007-02-16T00:50:53Z

Well, once again it seems that I only use this thing to vent. Honestly I don't really want to get into details but right now I feel terrible. My body hurts from working out really hard. I'm tired from not getting enough sleep the last few days. I feel like a failure on all accounts. Tomorrow, I have to show everyone what I supposedly have been working on all this time but I'm going to have next to nothing. It would be ok if I hadnt stayed up late last night writing out things for Portfolio Preparation. I would be full of energy and ready to crank out some drawings. As it stand now though I feel defeated physically and mentally. In a single day Ive managed to go from feeling fine to feeling like I want to lay down and die. Its not my day at all.

Smoldering

2007-02-01T05:29:28Z

When I get pissed I don't yell or throw a big fit. Hell, I barely raise my voice. However, I do smolder. Most people's anger is like a bottlerocket. The fuse is lit and they let loose with a startling show of displeasure shortly after. I, on the other hand, am more like a volcano. I don't erupt very often but when I do it's substantial. Most of the time though, I keep my anger well below the surface but it is still there becoming ever more volatile. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this except to keep my hands from destroying things in my studio. Idle hands cause mischief. Wrathful hands punch expensive computer equipment or throw useful art supplies across the room. I HATE IT when plans are changed at the last minute, nothing upsets me more. I HATE it when people blow others off and don't consider the ramifications of their actions. I HATE being so angry that my pulse races and my adrenaline pumps frantically. It leaves me in the worst state. I feel out of control and the only thing that makes it better is talking aloud to myself like some sort of madman trying to reason the issue out. It's as if speaking aloud gives me some control over it. It returns me to a time when I had to take medication because I couldn't deal with the real world and people wonder why I hardly ever draw anything from life. I don't know. Maybe I just need sleep since I was awoken early today. I've felt on edge all day because of it. Regardless at least I only have one class tomorrow because of the "snow" and hopefully by morning the fury will have subsided enough to see straight. Pssh. Snow. This fuckin state would call off school if a kid had a bad enough case of dandruff.

caminus_malus @ 2006-11-30T16:26:00

2006-11-30T16:26:51Z

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Predictability

2006-11-03T19:08:02Z

Well here I am in my home....erhm studio. Close enough either way. As always I partake of my lunch in the studio where I dont have to look like a tool sitting alone in the cafeteria. Unfortunately after about 2 weeks of turkey club sandwhiches Im starting to think that Id rather have something porcine for Thanksgiving. Either that or bite the bullet and sit in solitude in Thomson's oh so inviting eating facilities. I think of all the things that I hate most about being a super senior is not enjoying mealtime fellowship with my friends. Honestly when I look back some of the best times Ive ever had occured right in Thomson cafeteria. Hell, I met my girlfriend in Thomson. Its sobering for me to know that Ill most likely never see those friends again and that a place I once thought of as enjoyable I now dread. Life is strange like that I suppose. Perhaps upon introspection Im not as much of a loner as I thought. I do enjoy solitude but at times I need people. I think this is why solitary confinement is such a horrible punishment for prisoners. Its not being stuck in an even smaller cell. Its not being unable to see the sun. Its the lack of company. Human beings would rather be surrounded by rapists, murderers, and psychopaths than be alone. People are an odd bunch. Well back to my turkey sandwhich. At least my stomach will have company.

Freeman....suck it....just suck it

2006-11-02T16:00:21Z

Freeman is a horrid, puckering excuse for a sphinctor. In class today no one really had anything. Not a big surprise considering if you say you're gonna have an in progress critique all anyone hears is that its not due that particular day. Don't have in progress critiques. They're a waste of time and effort. For once I was actually excited about my drawing assignment. It would be the first time all semester that it didn't seem like absolute drudgery. It was something appealing and a far cry from the dull shit that Freeman enjoys. However I've been busting ass for other classes. Ones that I actually have to use a fraction of my skills for unlike Freeman's class where I barely try and pull A's and B's. Anyways today Freeman thought he would drop the hammer on all of us that didnt have a drawing far enough along ( almost everyone). He punished those who didnt have work by telling us to forget about the series we had come up with and that we are now doing two drawings of scenes from the construction site. Then that testicle-faced ass refugee had the audacity to prattle on for 15 minutes about how interesting the site could be and how it was a good assignment. No Freeman. Drawing architectural representations of the four horesemen of the apocalypse was a good assignment. Drawing half finished architecture amidst a sea of rubble and lazy construction workers sucks monkey cock. Well fuck you Freeman. I'm gonna shit out the quickest job I can and still pull a B. The fuckin jokes on you you inebriated shitsucker. I'd wish death on him but hell never fucking die. He's managed to emalm himself whilst still living due to the copious amounts of liquor he takes in. Im sure every ABC store in the tri-county area knows him by sight.

My sentiments exactly.

Candy Corn and Eyestrain.....Happy Halloween?

2006-11-01T00:55:47Z

Well it has finally come. That spookiest of all nights...Halloween. Unfortunately my respite from Chad's class didn't yield any holiday fun. It just presented an opportunity for me to partake of some. However, since no one had any plans and since Rock Hill is about as thrilling as extricating lint from ones navel I sit here in the sobering silence of the studio. Alliteration aside i suppose I could get alot done tonite. Once again though my contacts are bothering my eyes. Its always one eye or the other and never both simultaneously. I swear as soon as I get a well paying job Im putting money aside from every paycheck so that I can get my malfunctioning orbs laser corrected. I never thought Id see the day that I could use the words '"laser" and "vision correction" in the same sentence. It's not floating uraniam powered space cars but its a start. Dry eyes aside, Ive not given up on tonite. A 6'er may be just the thing I need to take back the night. When the going gets tough.....get drunk. Yea thats it.

Caloo, Calay Oh Frajulous Day....

2006-10-31T06:36:43Z

There is a god. Some higher power loves me.....well it loves me, joey, and chris. The now trimmed and more streamlined "dude" has pushed our impending poster critique back to Monday. I was so pleased to hear this rapturous news that I nearly rubbed one out where I sat. I refrained though because I didnt want our primarily female class to be overcome with lust for my beef nozzle and start a brawl over who got to ride the joy rod first. When youre as virile and filled to the brim with manliness as I am you have to take these things into consideration. Now if I can just stay awake long enough to catch up on some Drawing 3 for that inebriated troll known as Freeman then things will decidedly be looking up. I really consider the class a waste of my time. I know how to draw, the end. I don't need any lessons on formulating Fine Arts based heavily conceptualized works. I do however need some crash courses in anatomy. I couldnt draw the human figure correctly from my head if my life depended on it. But of course Chad's fuckin worthless graphic design course takes up the only time I couldve take an actually useful course. Even worse I cant take the course with Dave next semester because of yet another worthless Chad class. If I dont have the brain cells necessary to mount my pieces and purchase a portfolio online then I might as well hang up the towel on life right now. A whole class about making a portfolio, what the fuck. Sometimes I imagine Chad just sitting in his office twirling his mustache and laughing maniacally as he dreams up new and even more painfully boring courses for me to attend. This of course isnt true and overall Chad is a nice guy but it makes me feel better as I rant. That being said I think it is time to sit and draw. Until next time dear readers, until next time.

"The Dude" Impedes my Journey to the Court of the Pumpking

2006-10-29T19:15:38Z

Ok, so here's the long of it. I loathe Graphic Design, not necessarily the profession but its academic counterpart here at Winthrop. Normally I just grimace, swallow my pride, and attend Chad's verbose lectures. But then the actual time of project completion rears its malformed and pustulous excuse for a head. The projects thus far have been awful, not terribly mind-bending but at a level of nitpickery that accountants are known for. In truth I was actually excited for this latest project because it is mainly image based and being an illustrator that appealed to me much more than kerning, widows, or other text-based principles. Unfortunately, I spent a good 20 bucks or more assembling my kickass Ghostrider costume and I have little or no time to do anything with it whatsoever. It's really disheartening since I look forward to Halloween a great deal. I won't say that I didn't get to do any Halloweening since I attended Dave's shindig on Thursday but I still feel the sultry call of beer, candy, and costumed comradery that has yet to be fulfilled. It wouldn't actually be an issue if we only had to complete one poster for this project. However two posters is asking alot from one who is known for attention to detail and unwavering dedication to quality (despite a distaste for the class). It is of course my own doing. I should have worked on Graphic Design first and gotten it out of the way. But once again here I am hoping and praying that I can get enough of this done to be able to print tomorrow. The outlook on Halloweening with my friends is bleak indeed. Oh well I suppose I can always go as Ghostrider next year. Sorry Jack youll have to spook without me this time around.

Hate the living, love the dead...

2006-10-27T17:34:45Z

Ah, it is almost All Hallow's Eve. Halloween that most wonderful time of the year when the only requirement one has is to eat copious amounts of candy, drink even more beer, and all this under a clever guise of your own handiwork. This year I've decided to go as Ghostrider. Seems Ive been stuck on a bit of a Marvel kick as of late. Last year I went as Nightcrawler (so much blue paint). Thankfully this costume will require less effort and less damage to my epidermis. I recieved the mask in the mail the other day and like a child at christmas I ripped the package open gleefully. Needless to say I was a bit disappointed. The image online made the mask look as if it had yellow-orange glowing eyes and the mask I recieved had all the occular creepiness of a Jawa. However I've not given up just yet. The costume may come together in the end and if not who cares because I'll be plastered. My only other regret is a flagrant lack of a thundering demonic hellcycle. But alas such things are not in my price range. I can't wait till I have a steady job and Halloween comes slinking around the bend. My costume will be epic.

Curse you siren song of the blog.......

2006-10-26T21:18:40Z

Ok, so I didn't want to start this whole blog thing but somehow it managed to grasp my unwilling soul and force me into its cruel machinations. It seems innocent at first but much like the mythical rabbit in Quest for the Holy Grail it is not at all what it seems. I fear for my friend Koshii for she now "needs" to update, nay is compelled to update. Compelled by the uncaring master that is the online journal. That being said who knows how long before I will be able to extricate myself from the interweavings of LiveJournal. Until then, I continue to update and lift a cry of supplication to the gods of the internet realm.

Drama aside, I've finally broken down and started an online journal. I think it was after a discussion with Koshii that I decided it might not be as abhorrent as I first thought. She mentioned that she uses her journal as a means of collecting her thoughts. I think perhaps she also uses it to arrange her mental realm and gain perspective on her life from a distance. It's the old saying of "not being able to see the forest for the trees". On occassion, I feel overwhelmed with my own thoughts and perhaps this online journal will provide a suitable way to stem the tide. Especially since I am undertaking the process of my Senior Thesis soon and I often get ensnared by the details and lose sight of the overall project. I liken it to a conductor caught up with one musician whilst ignoring the orchestra. If I spend too much time on the violin then there will be anarchy in the music pit.

Well, I suppose this is sufficient for now. I don't suppose I will ever write voluminous amounts but time will tell.